


he thought I was awesome? my brother?

by scorpiusismypatronus



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abusive sibling, Emotional Abuse, F/F, Galaxy Gals, Mental Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Verbal Abuse, connor bashing, text fic, this is not a happy fic, zoelana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 08:23:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14184849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiusismypatronus/pseuds/scorpiusismypatronus
Summary: Zoe can’t sleep. Alana would, but Zoe’s up.





	he thought I was awesome? my brother?

**Author's Note:**

> cw every type of abuse you can think of, drug use m, suicide ideation

[02:14] Zoe: hey u up?

[02:14] Alana: yeah

[02:14] Zoe: I can't sleep

[02:15] Alana: i'm sorry :(

[02:15] Alana: why not?

[02:15] Zoe: remember when connor’s letter got put online?

[02:15] Alana: yeah?

[02:16] Zoe: remember how people found our house?

[02:16] Zoe: well

[02:16] Zoe: they know my bedroom is on the right. they know where I sleep

[02:17] Alana: shit

[02:17] Alana: shit shit shit I’m so sorry

[02:18] Zoe: no I wasn't blaming u

[02:18] Alana: I'm still gonna feel guilty

[02:18] Alana: im sorry

[02:19] Alana: is there anything I can do to help?

[02:20] Zoe: I dont want to be a burden lmao

[02:20] Alana: Stop Right There

[02:20] Alana: zoe youre not a burden

[02:20] Zoe: //sigh//

[02:20] Alana: so how can I help? I don't want u to be upset

[02:21] Zoe: can u stay online & talk to me? I,, don't want to be alone w my thoughts rn

[02:21] Alana: of course bb

[02:22] Zoe: I love u so much

[02:22] Alana: ly2

[02:23] Zoe: I've been thinking a lot about connor

[02:23] Zoe: when he died we all talked about how great he was, how he loved trees and hung out in the orchard

[02:27] Zoe: we didn’t talk about the times he broke down my door saying he’d kill me or when he’d bash my head into a wall for no reason at all or when he told me I was worthless or when he’d keep me from eating for days at a time or when he’d punch me in the face or grab me around the neck just because he could. I never said anything about how he stole my money and tore up every resumé or school assignment or paper I printed out, I never talked about the time he stole my blankets and set them on fire just because he could. I didn't say a word about the times I was 10 and he 13 and he made me watch porn. i’ve not mentioned all the times he called me fat and stupid and ugly and lazy and jesus christ, Alana, it hurts for everyone to be pretending he was great when he wasn’t at all

[02:28] Alana: oh shit

[02:28] Alana: I'm so sorry zoe

[02:29] Zoe: I can’t think of a single good thing about him

[02:30] Zoe: except that he died

[02:30] Alana: I'm sorry 

[02:30] Alana: if it’s any consolation at all I think you're really brave for living through this

[02:31] Zoe: im just weak but thanks

[02:31] Zoe: and evan gave me so much hope that it was just because of the drugs — it was just bc of that that he was so cruel to me — but he didnt know the half of it

[02:32] Alana: say the word and i’ll yell at him

[02:32] Zoe: hjlzkjkhlk maybe someday

[02:34] Zoe: i mean I feel bad for hating him bc a lot of it was the drugs and the mental illness and,,, ugh

[02:35] Alana: mental illness and drugs don't excuse abuse. There are stories in the news every day, “woman arrested for beating kids while drunk” no one denies that was abuse right?

[02:37] Zoe: I guess

[02:38] Zoe: everyone pays so much attention to Connor’s story bc of tcp but,, no one pays attention to me???the actual victim here??? just bc I didn't kms doesn't mean I'm hurting less

[02:39] Zoe: honestly at this point I don't give a shit if I die but everyone would think I was copying goddamn connor if I did 

[02:40] Zoe: #connorwillbefound but who gives a rat’s ass about his sister, right? who cares about the freak’s sister and what he did to her? he died so it’s all okay now right?!?

[02:41] Zoe: ugh

[02:41] Alana: what he did to you wasn’t okay

[02:41] Alana: and I care about u

[02:42] Zoe: thats where u went wrong

[02:42] Alana: Zoe you're the best girlfriend anyone could ask for

[02:43] Zoe: hhhnng

[02:43] Zoe: impossible bc u are

[02:43] Alana: HDFHJ u know what I mean

[02:43] Zoe: I do

[02:43] Zoe: u wrong tho

[02:44] Alana: actually uh???????I am very correct??? You're funny, and smart, and a little scatterbrained but it’s cute, you’re beautiful, and clever, and um???im love u

[02:47] Zoe: thats gay

[02:47] Zoe: I dont believe u tho

[02:48] Alana: I know

[02:48] Alana: it’s true though

[02:53] Zoe: okay

[02:53] Zoe: babe ilysm

[02:54] Alana: ly2 bb

[02:54] Zoe: u should go to sleep,, we have class tomorrow

[02:55] Alana: only if u go to sleep

[02:55] Zoe: I'll try

[02:56] Alana: I love you so much

[02:56] Zoe: I love you too


End file.
